What satisfies you? What is the single most important thing in your life? For me, my world revolves around creativity..it's more like my passion rather than amusement, pastime or distraction, and ofcourse there's "love". But what happens when suddenly it feels like your spirit has already been broken, and can no longer distinguish if you can love?
Lastnight I had dinner with my friends at gb3 then afterwards went straight to my friend's pad and grabbed a couple of beers. Yes, stranglely this past few days I have been drinking alot, mind you I have few excuses tucked in my pocket why suddenly Im alcholic kuno
! Well after few more rounds, I find myself confiding to my friends about the nuts that has been running in my head lately. I was having problems with finding myself and knowing what I really want in life, in other words... Im lost & confused. It turns out my other friend was also feeling the same way about himself, he was unhappy. It was a very long talk that made me realize, we are not just trying to find the reason why we are unhappy. We are just looking for our own reasons to love and be loved. Which reminded me of my comic series entitled "Saturday Itch" that recently made it's debut in GP Magazine's The Great Escape Issue--It's a story about different kinds of love in 5 re-incarnations that is seen through the eyes of 5 gay men. Am I like the characters I created in my comics?
Why do we always have the itch to go out during weekends? is it really just to have fun? Just like the characters in my comics I believe we are all somehow lonely and in-search of the things that would make us contented and happy. We look forward to our weekends in order to go out and get our "chance" to finally meet the person or experience situations which will give us the reason to love. We are excited to do our weekend clubbings to finally hang-out with our friends--another channel for us to experience love that can somehow be a substitute for what we are really searching for. Some may use their weekend nights to escape their usual life and be somebody different and somehow gain love even for a short while. We can come up with an army of reasons why we have the itch to go out..but it all boils down to one major reason, no one wants to be alone all the time. Everyone wants to have fun and experience how to love and be genuinely loved.
I told my friends, I thought I already had it. I have a good career, loving friends and I was in a 3 year relationship with my partner. That can be enough bounds for me to say that I already have what can make me happy...but I guess not genuine love. Halfway through our conversation, I've learned that no matter how long you stay in a situation or relationship, you may still not experience love if you do not learn how to love yourself first. You can do all impossible things, search all hidden places, but in the end you might get surprised that the love you are looking for was always there within you. And it took me 6 years to know this. Life is about learning to love yourself one day at a time, it's your own journey. You may meet interesting characters along the way who can always share love when you feel that love no longer exist within yourself. But at the end of the road..it will always be just you. So when else should we start loving and respecting ourselves?
The sun was already rising when we decided we should all go home and rest. We left my friend's pad with a smile in our faces knowing that where lucky..This week, we may have missed our chance to meet love. But we know, that chance is still coming, and that what makes all of us get up, be hopeful that maybe this coming weekend, finally we can get our own genuine love or finally learn to love ourselves. But if not? hey! there's always the next saturday itch.